I was driving back from my gigs in Phoenix this past Monday and during the 6 hour trip I thought about a lot of things. I stressed about my career’s trajectory, wondered if Stamos even cares, and I also reminisced about that one time I passed a guy who was aggressively jerking off in his Ford-150 while driving on the highway somewhere in between Hilton Head and Charleston, South Carolina. I’ll get to that later, but first this memory got me to thinking about all the silly, dangerous, and dumb shit people do when they drive. As I was passing vehicles, I started to stare right into their car, just to see what people do in the comforts of their RV mobile homes, SUVs and Honda Civics. What I gathered was shocking, funny, gross and very unnerving.
I’ve broken down the most popular activities based off of my own “Pelustatistical Research Program” or “P.R.P.” Here’s my scientifically studied breakdown of what you gross/reckless bastards are doing whilst conducting heavy machinery on wheels:
76% of drivers are picking their nose. Violently.
What is it about getting in the car that makes you slobs dig into your schnoz like it contains all the answers to the universe? You know who you are, SHERYL in the ’95 VW Bug with the “MMMBACON” license plate. And I’d hate to check the snot-stock pile you have accumulated under your front seats! Monsters! I can’t deny doing this myself. Diggin’ in my nose while driving is one of my fav pastimes. I’m single.
37% of drivers are applying makeup. Like they’re on the new season of Ru Paul’s Drag Race.
Bitch, I know you need to look good but lets not crash through the median and take out a family of 6 while you’re contouring down Route 66! I mean, if it’s that serious, it only takes 2 minutes to apply lip gloss and mascara-just wait until you arrive at your destination! If you’re still not feeling right and are going for full on Kardashian contour-realness then pack a Halloween mask and just own it. Let’s be real, your lipstick color won’t matter when the ambulance worker is complimenting you post-mortem. Wake up earlier, give yourself more time, and apply your “just-got-back-from-vacay bronzer once you get to the grocery store or wherever it is you’re getting all guzzied up for. I usually go to the grocery store red carpet-ready!
97% of drivers are texting. Even the old bastards! (*At this point, a few of you are probably confused by the percentage breakdown. DON’T BE! The Pelustastical Research Program transcends conventional mathematical equations!)
I’m not going to lie and say I’ve never done this, but I now restrict my in-car texting to red lights and/or while in line at an In N Out drive-thru window ordering a “double double” after a gig at 1:15am. But you monsters that drive at top speed and text nonsense while doing so are basically the spawn of Satan because it’s only a matter of time until you kill someone. It would behoove you and the rest of the population to wait to send your tit/dick pic until no one’s life is at risk. I sure as hell don’t want to die so you can send “be right there” to your weed dealer.
15% of drivers are eating cereal. CEREAL. FROM. A. BOWL.
Of ALL food to take with you on the road, you chose THE most non-portable item maybe in all of history. I have so many questions! Where did you keep the milk? When did you prepare this meal? Are you a gremlin? Have you heard of a burrito? While you’re eating like a careless 5-year-old driving a big wheel the rest of us are concerned for our lives. No one deserves to die because you all of a sudden got a craving for Captain Crunch while on the road. The only crunch will be the sound of my body being smashed because you decided to also drink the remaining milk from the bowl. ANIMAL.
65% of drivers are singing to themselves.
This is the only safe and agreeable driving pastime I condone. I do it and do it loud! If the Adele station comes on Pandora, forget it! I bring that THIS IS THE VOICE realness right into my SUV driver’s seat. “Christina Anguishlera” is my stage naaaa-aaa-aaa-aaaaaaaaaame! Singing releases endorphins and stress. And I know a majority of us probably sound like a pig in heat being branded when we sing, so saving your American Idol finalist moment for a drive is the perfect time. Just don’t close your eyes during the chorus of Sam Smith’s “Latch” remix. I see you, queen!
Stop doing your makeup, texting your ex and eating soup while you drive! Take the time alone or with your friends in the car to enjoy the moment and lovely scenery. I like to work out imaginary fights in my head while I drive. Try to be a little more considerate of the frailty of life, you selfish whores. I love you!
*Oh! The guy jerking off, right! Well I was about 16-years-old on a road trip with my friend Amy and her mother. This guy had been purposedly driving slow on the highway so we’d have to pass him. When we did, was jerking off rather aggressively and stared right at us as we passed him by. I know what you’re thinking, who DOESN’T want to whip their dick out while driving alone through God’s country in an American pick up truck, passing strangers at 79 MPH?! With all that horse power under your ass, how can you NOT yank your junk like you’re rollin’ dice on your last $20 at a craps table in Vegas?! It’s science! Not to mention, that sweet Southern/Conservative mindset mixed with a dash of lingering racism always gets me exceptionally horny!
Thanks for reading!