#CrackTheInternet

Why do we care about Kim Kardashian?

By now, we’ve ALL seen Kim Kardashian’s ass, NUMEROUS times via various media portals.  Her ass has gotten more media attention than the Ebola crisis, cancer research and the ASCPA combined.  Kim’s “ass-tention” has even surpassed one of the first ladies to put ASS on the map, a TRUE O.G. of ASS and talent: J.Lo! That’s the thing! Kim Kardashian, among a few other chicks out there, was able and allowed to do all of this without ever holding any shred of an accolade.  She slipped thru the cracks, HA! HA!, never having to display any real skill or contribution to society other than her looks and…ASS! Having an “ass” has now become the same as having a “talent”, in this self-indulgent and social media-obsessed culture.

I’m fxcking annoyed because of how Instagram decides to handle their content “restriction”.  The content I’m referring to in this case is Kim’s latest photos taken for Paper Magazine.  If you haven’t seen these images you’re either: A: LUCKY or B: LIVING UNDER A FXCKING MOUNTAIN!  That could quite possibly be Kim Kardashian’s backside!  Her photos weren’t anything more (or less) than her leaving absolutely NOTHING to our imagination.  Classic K. Kardashian Style….

Kim K's famous Paper photo.

I MEAN ARE YOU KITTEN ME RIGHT MEOW?? (Let the record show, I LOATHE using socially trending phrases, but it’s TOTALLY warranted in this case!) Let’s state the obvious here, she is DOUSED in Crisco. Right?! I mean, there’s NO way that’s extra virgin olive oil, we all know no one is a virgin in that family unit.  You may be moaning right now. Don’t you even turn on me for stating the obvious based on the facts that we’ve been dining on for 10 seasons from #KUWTK ! She has her ENTIRE crack out for us to enjoy.  A crack longer than a sleek highway, just with a much cheaper toll.  HEYOO!  The one thing people have been asking, is she standing inside of a trash bag? Is that a Hefty right now? I can recognize an extra tall kitchen bag from a mile away!  That’s the ONLY appropriate part of the photo!  The trash being put out in the trash. (Come on! It was an easy joke, calm down!)  Her hair-do also REALLY pisses me off for some reason! It reminds me of how I try to get my hair to look when I haven’t washed it for 8 days. I love that she’s looking over her should as if surprised there’s a camera in the room.  That’s how she got into this mess, with her face near a camera and a giant black meat cleaver.

Her photo had the sentence “Breaks The Internet” underneath the photo.  That can’t be her goal in life. Is this is what she wants to use her fame for? To BREAK the fxcking Internet? How about using fame to support a battered women’s home, raise awareness for childhood obesity, or help the wounded warrior project? The thing is the Kardashians are very charitable people but why isn’t that what they pride themselves on as a family instead of how they look on a daily basis? Instead we know more about her generous ass than her generosity.  On one hand you can say Kim’s smart because she’s famous for having to do next to nothing in life-on the other hand you can say we’re dumb for allowing that to come to fruition.  Controversy, it seems, is more lucrative than charity.   She has catapulted herself into becoming an easy target for comics and fans alike to mock her incessantly on social media, which ironically, only seems to help her growing empire flourish that much more.

It’s starting to become apart of the culture to mock famous people and being that Kim’s photo was passed around more than a blunt at a high school-house party, people of the social media world didn’t hesitate to create their own versions.  One of my favorite renditions of the Paper photo was this one….

This looks the equestrian Jessimae riding Kim Kardashian!  Hilarious!

This looks the equestrian Jessimae riding Kim Kardashian! Hilarious!

Another fun one!

Another fun one!

Being a stand up comic and all around asshole, I find myself no different from anyone else trying to have fun and be a part of the trending topics online.   I JUMPED at the chance to make my own version of the Paper photo.  I immediately texted my assistant, Elizabeth Perez, to create a #JessimaeCracksTheInternet pic.  Liz and I laughed our asses off at the thought of doing just a simple edit to Kim’s already over-shared image.  Here’s our result…

Crack The Internet!

Crack The Internet!

Notice the PAPER has been changed to POOPER.  We also decided it was more fitting to use the title “Crack The Internet” for obvious reasons.

So why am I shocked and pissed? It has less to do with Kim Kardashian than it has to do with the bullshit double standards highlighted recently by Chelsea Handler trying to post her rendition of a photo of Putin shirtless on a horse.  Instagram took that photo down.  They also took my photo down 2 days ago stating it was “inappropriate” and “didn’t meet their community safety guidelines”.  My photo was an obvious joke.  I mean anyone who knows me knows I dream of a big ghetto booty, most skinny bitches do.  The fact that Kim K’s photo got to stay up is just MALARKEY! Yes, that’s right! I SAID MALARKEY like someones drunk old Irish uncle.  SAFETY GUIDELINES?  Is my photo going to cause a nuclear war?  Will innocent children die at the cost of my photo?  How many puppies will be slaughtered because I mocked Kim Kardashian?  It’s just pure bullshit.  I know in the grand scheme of things this isn’t a huge issue but it still a little cause for concern because they’re basically saying my image was causing harm.  They also told me to keep my profile “safe and fun”.   SAFE and FUN?? How about they spend more time monitoring the hate comments people post on all sorts of photos instead of the actual photos themselves? Hire people to delete that shit instead of my SAFE and FUN photos.  Not to mention this pseudo-famous Dan Bilzerian goofball who has gained fame solely based on his Instagram profile.  His page highlights the finer things in life: girls from behind wearing nothing but a g-string and his name written on their ass, him holding machine guns with girls straddling various furniture, him finger blasting girls on motorcycles and so much more.  I’m not saying he shouldn’t be able to post these images that, I’m sure, are encouraging men who view them to treat women with the utmost respect.  I’m simply saying if he can put up images degrading women then I should be able to post a funny edited photo of a woman who continues to degrade herself.  This macho-man has become known for having images of what I call his “skantourage”, swiffering around in nothing but thongs and titty-tassels.  Yet, my PHOTOSHOPPED IMAGE OF MY FACE ON KIM K’S BODY IS TOO MUCH FOR THE INSTAGRAM COMMUNITY ??!  MALARKEY! What unfortunate double-standard, hypocritical and misogynistic bullshit is that, Mr. Systrom?  Instagram says, and I quote “we ask everyone to keep their profiles safe and fun”?! Well, here’s a few of Dan Bilzerian’s “safe and fun” posts…

“SAFE AND FUN”

CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO GODLINESS…OR JUST CLOSE TO A COUPLE SWIFFERING-SKANKS!

Let us not overlook that Dan is really just a homegrown “hands-on” man…

LOOK! DAN IS A MODEST MAN! HE GETS HIS HAIR TRIMMED AT SuperCunts!

TITTIES AND GUNS! YOU DECIDE WHICH IS FAKE! “SAFE AND FUN”

I’d love it if Bilzerian was doing this all in mockery of our culture but something tells me he just likes to be in the vicinity of machine guns and titties.  After all, that is the dream of real American men, right?! Like I said, this isn’t an issue that is important the greater picture in this grieve-stricken world.  I just can’t help but to think how unfair it is that I am being held by different guidelines on Instagram than some other people posting obviously more harmful imagery.  I don’t see how Dan’s posts do any less harm than my “safe and fun” image of Kim Kardashian’s Paper photo. Maybe it’s just because she’s the second most followed person on Instagram, second only to fxcking Justin Beiber!!  I guess if I didn’t have a skill it wouldn’t matter what I posted just as long as I kept it “safe and fun”.  I’m gonna repost my photo just to see what happens. Please feel free to send a tweet or message the founders of Instagram Kevin Systrom ( @Kevin ) and Mike Krieger ( @mikeyk ) if you have any opinion on the matter.

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Let it be known-I LOVE social networking and being able to connect with my fans on the internet!  Just don’t tell me you want EVERYONE to keep their profiles under a certain umbrella of regulation when you let some people slip through your bullshit terms of use cracks.  The truth is it’s only ok for “famous” twats and “manly” men to post without having to abide by Instagram’s rules.  I’d respect you, Kevin and Mike, if you were at least honest about the “community guidelines”, you hypocritical cunts.

One more time for good measure….

Crack The Internet!

Crack The Internet!

JOIN MY MOVEMENT……#JessimaeCracksTheInternet

Thanks for reading!

xxxo, Jessimae

About Jessimae Peluso

With roots in Syracuse, Jessimae Peluso sought comedic pastures first in Boston where she performed improv with “The Tribe,” laying the sod for what would become a burgeoning spontaneous brand of original comedy. Since then, Jessimae has leapt onto the small screen as a cast member for two seasons on MTV’s “Girl Code”, with appearances on TBS’ “Deal With It”, NBC’s “Last Call With Carson Daly Spotlight”, Comedy Central’s “@Midnight”, E!’s “Chelsea Lately”, Fox’s “Worlds Funniest Fails”, AXS’ “Gotham Live”, “The Tyra Banks Show”, Tru TV’s “All Worked Up” & “Comedy Knockout”, and an international Nintendo ad campaign. She can also be seen touring the country on her 2016 #JessAmericaTour, formerly known as the “#MessAmericaTour” but the Miss America Corporation said she had to change the name or they would be really pissed. She obliged as she didn’t want to ruin her chances at becoming the next Miss America! She’s patiently awaiting to be crowned. She was featured in the New York Comedy Festival, Boston Comedy Festival, North Carolina Comedy & Arts Festival, Women in Comedy Festival, and JFL 2016 Festival and featured on Kevin Hart’s LOL Live network. She has contributed to Cosmopolitan Magazine, Self Magazine, GQ.Com, Playboy.com, MadeMen.com, and was highlighted in the Huffington Post as one of the funniest comics to follow on twitter. She enjoys medical marjiuana, all things Stamos, and her three rescue dogs: Carlin, Bunny and Chaplin. Listen to her on the Sharp Tongue podcast airing every Tuesday on iTunes, Stitcher, Soundcloud, and iTunes.
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3 Responses to #CrackTheInternet

  1. Foggy B. says:

    I assume (joke) early on is where you wanted a joke to go. Might I suggest Holly Golightly in a community theater version of Breakfast at Tiffany’s?

    Also, you asked “How many puppies will be slaughtered because I mocked Kim Kardashian?” I think according to Instagram’s terms & conditions, 18.5. It’s that last .5 that’s the real heartache.

    Cheers!

  2. Totally agree with your comments regarding what IG does and doesn’t deem a violation of its stupid bullshit guidelines. However, degrading Kim K’s career in fashion and modeling makes you seem really bitter…

    “Kim Kardashian was able and allowed to do all of this without ever holding any shred of an accolade. She slipped thru the cracks, HA! HA!, never having to display any real skill or contribution to society other than her look and…ASS! Having an “ass” has now become the same as having a “talent”, in this self-indulgent and social media-obsessed culture.”

    To belittle her career is to belittle the entire fashion and modeling industry. I understand that people are pissed about the Kardashians’ status as pop culture icons, but talent is required to be successful in any industry. Putting other women who are successful down in the same post that you hop on Chelsea Handler’s free the nipple bandwagon seems a little counterproductive to me.

    You could have made your point about the hypocrisy of IGs terms and conditions without the (insert joke here) comments about Kim Kardashian.

    • Far from bitter-It’s more to point out IG’s hypocrisy. And if you think Kim K has positively influenced young girls everywhere that’s your opinion boo. I’m not belittling anyone’s career. Less we forget hers began with a sex tape. Her whole life is at our disposal yet I’m putting HER down? I think she knocked that ball out of the park on her own. Let’s not forget I AM A COMIC. I speak in an exaggerated, comedic fashion to make my point. I’m also not hoping on anyone’s bandwagon, I’m simply opinionated and lonely in Buffalo, NY before I have to go perform for my fans. Just stirring the pot. It’s fun. Thanks for reading, though! xxxo

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