I ran into a few hot doctors in the hospital.

Who wouldn’t want this guy checking your puss, I mean pulse?

Every time I walk into a hospital I always anticipate seeing ‘THE HOT DOCTOR’.  He comes walking thru the triage waiting area with his stethoscope, thick head of hair and form-fitted scrubs that show off his hard man-ass and masculine wrists (I have a thing for manly wrists, they’re truly underrated!) and then he whisks me away to examine my injuries.  I know I’m not the only chick who thinks about this fantasy!  I blame shows like Grey’s Anatomy for the anticipation of Dr McSteamy, McDreamy or McUnmarried to be present at any and every hospital that I enter.  Everybody remembers Clooney from E.R. and his infamous “Cesar-cut”.  From that point on, every woman throbbed at the thought of having ‘the hot doc’ examine her with his “stethoscope”!

Last Tuesday was no different.  I walked into New York Methodist hospital in Park Slope Brooklyn with, what I believed to be, a broken finger.  I sustained this (girly) injury while walking my dogs earlier in the day, I am not incapable of walking my dogs, just that one of them decided to try to run full speed when my finger was wrapped in the leash. (Maybe I will have kids one day!)  I FINALLY had insurance! The last time I had coverage was when Biggy was still alive!  So I decided to go have my finger checked like a responsible person.  Although, inside I was hoping it wouldn’t cost me anything because I could see a big 37 flashing in my head because that’s how many dollars I had left in my bank account.

Doctor Clooney!

As I was sitting in the Triage waiting room all I kept thinking was, “please do not let any doctor be a McSteamy or McDreamy today!”, only because I was not in what you would call “tip-top shape”.  All I had on was a wife-beater, jeggings (yes, JEGGINGS!), purple Keds and chinmples. (Those are chin-pimples for those of you who don’t follow me on twitter.)  Anyways, I was just hoping nobody was attractive because I didn’t have time to put on my  4 lbs of M.A.C. Pro Long Wear studio foundation and fake lashes, I never feel quite complete unless I am “TV ready”.  Here I was, barely “IV ready”

They finally call my name into “triage” and as I walk into the room and sat in the blood pressure chair my heart sank.  There, sitting at his computer with his man-hands was a McDreamy! With shaggy chestnut hair, sea blue eyes, full scrubs and the most muscular knuckles I had ever seen since my sound guy “Eric” that worked on my MTV show Girl Code.  To add insult to injury he had an accomplice who also had to be painfully McSteamy.  He was tall, dark and McDelicious and happened to be taking my blood pressure, which I’m sure wasn’t normal for embarrassingly obvious reasons.  McDreamy asked me questions about my “injury” which looked more like a rug burn, on my ring finger.  It looked less like something I sustained walking my dogs and more like something I got rubbing my kitty. (Sorry, Mom!)

I tried to tell him how I hurt myself and was distracted by the realization of how ratchet I must have looked.  Unwashed hair, wife-beater, denim leggings and Keds?! What was I thinking? I know Woody Allen has been quoted saying, “…half of success is just showing up…” But the other half is making sure you don’t look like a slob! I was the Queen of Slobs in this moment.  I looked like a single mom strung out on meth. And I was trying hopelessly to hide my chinmples which are at full salute at this point! McDreamy seemed too pre-occupied with entering information into his computer to notice my adult acne and McDelicious had finished his blood pressure duties.

McChocolate Delish

I thought I was done until McDelish hands me a pee cup! A MOTHER FUCKING PEE CUP! There’s NO way to look cute holding an empty container that EVERYONE in the room knows you’re about to hold under your puss to fill with urine.  Along with the pee cup was a “hazardous specimen bag” that I was expected to put my pee cup into afterwards?!  So not only do I have to pee for these two medical beefcakes but my pee was also considered to cause people to turn into zombies?! More like zomPEEs! (that one was for me!)  I was confused as to WHY they needed my pee? Then McDreamy informed me that in order to do an X-ray they needed to know I wasn’t preggers.  Great, so now I don’t know what I anticipated more, having a broken finger or an 18 year commitment? But at least I know now that he knows I’m sexually active!

As I go into the bathroom to pee a woman was exiting holding her freshly brewed “pee-cup”.  Because I’m an awkward comedian, I tried to make a joke to let her know we’re now connected…by urine!  It came out less like a joke and more like a fumbling Mr. Bean skit.  I accidentally bumped into her on her way out and mumbled the word “PPPee!” in her face!  Great now the one person who could feel my pee-pain thinks I’m a lesbian into golden showers in hospital bathrooms!  She didn’t think it was funny.  Dammit, I’m bombing at the hospital! Anyways, I go into the bathroom to do my pee thang, being careful not to over flow the cup.  Then I have a thought, “I’m pretty sure half of this pee is tequila from last night! So with the slight chance I AM preggers, they’re going to think I’m a drunk slob of a mother…in JEGGINGS!” (Do you think that was a record amount usage of the word “pee” in one paragraph?!)

“Hazardous” Specimen Bag

I handed the cup over, ruefully, to McDelicious and said, in my best Frau Blucher (from Young Frankestein) impression, “Some varm pee, perhaps?” You see whenever I feel embarrassed or awkward I resort to a joke, in this case McChocolate Dreamboat laughed! But more of an “awwwkwarrrd” type of laugh. So I sat and awaited my finger’s fate.  I took in the scene in the waiting area.  A couple of jovial nurses talked about their vacations and finally having some time off. A young girl with a broken foot and another young girl with a broken armed joked about how they each hurt themselves. (Turns out a lot of drunks bitches make visits to the hospital.) There were also a couple fellas with precarious nut injuries-I presume from either a rogue baseball or an angry girlfriend.  My favorite were the dudes who were currently wasted, complaining about “stomach problems”! No, Trevor, that’s not indigestion, that’s Jose Cuervo!

Dr. Oz !

I was eaves dropping on the new people entering the triage room that I had previously been in because I’m a nosey bitch,  and also to see if I had any competition that would catch McDreamy and McHot Chocolate’s eye. It turns out, that during the day at NYM their main clients consists of chicks who got into drunk fights, their boyfriends, clumsy old people and drunk mexicans. Now I get why there are so many hospital dramas on TV! McKnuckles walked out and told me he was taking me to Pediatrics?!

“WHAT?!” I blurted out!

He responded in a matter of fact tone, “That’s where we take the positive pee people! I’m kidding, we’re going to Xray your finger!”

Medical knowledge AND a sense of humor? Hubba-hubba! He then escorted me to the X-ray room which looked more like the room Jodie Foster hide in with Kristen Stewart in the movie Panic Room.  Inside was an old Italian man chillin’ on a chair and an old Asian guy at the computer.  They looked like a couple of old friends who had fought in a couple of wars together.  McDreamy left me there and I wondered to myself, “does he personally escort ALL of his pee-patients?” I got my X-rays done and asked to keep the pictures.  Mr Miyagi informed me they no longer make actual copies because of how hazardous it is to the environment, apparently not as hazardous as my pee can be!

My Pediatrics Suite

Then, I was escorted down another hall to, you guessed it, Pediatrics!  I don’t know if McDreamy just really commits to his jokes or if he was hitting on me but I was in the children’s ward either way, waiting for my examination, He put me in my own little drape-cubicle.  I don’t know how else to describe those little areas separate by only curtains?! I had been sitting there for what seemed like at least 15 minutes and I was starting to get impatient, how ironic? I was staring at the Donald Duck poster above the gurney until I overheard this little boy in the curtain cubicle next to me laughing.  He sounded so happy and oblivious to the fact he had, 3 minutes previously, vomited all over himself and his mother and was running a 108 temperature. The nurse came in and was trying to give him a throat culture, I only know that because I despised getting those as a child. It was like choking on something your parents were okay with you choking to death on. This nurse was having a little trouble getting the kid to trust her, I don’t blame him, but she told him to pant like a puppy and stuck it in there while he was distracted doing the impression.  Smart, fool the kid with charades!

Doogie Hoswer, M.D.

There was some commotion down the hall that had all the nurses screeching.  I peaked my head out of my curtain cubicle and saw him…”THE HOT (Kid) DOCTOR”!!! He was in everyday clothes, his hair was a little disheveled and his “I work out just enough”  biceps showing through his shirt.  His stethoscope was hanging carelessly around his neck and he was..The Kid Doctor! It really doesn’t get much hotter than that! If this guy had been on a skateboard and giving out high fives to the nurses I wouldn’t judge him because he fixed children! The commotion was over the fact he was killing an obstinate roach in the hallway. OUR HERO!! The kids and I cheered when he gave the final stomp that killed the murderous roach!

I snuck back into my cloth-room and started to panic because I had road-kill breath and THE KID DOC was on his way to examine me! I overheard a mother talking to her daughter in the curtain cubicle next to mine trying to translate to her daughter for the doctor.

Doctor: “Do you have any diarrhea?”

Mother: “How’s your doodie? Is it regala or does it shoot out?”

Doctor: “Is there any pain in your chest area?”

Mother: “Do yo titties hurt?”

(Ah, you gotta love a bond between mother and her daughter!)

Finally THE HOT DOCTOR comes into my hotel suite with his boyish hair, clear blue eyes and cool-guy sneakers,

“Were you waiting long?” he asked me like I was 3 years old.

“Me? No, I was, uh, listening to the roach massacre down the hall” I replied sarcastically

The mother in the stall next to me laughed out loud, “HA,HA,HA! She said ‘roach massacre’, that’s classic!”

I no longer cared how hot The Hot Doc was nor did I care that I was dressed like Amanda Bynes after a bender, because I made the lady in the curtain cubicle next to me laugh so hard she choked and all without her ever seeing my face!

Then The Kid Doctor asked how I hurt myself.

“I was walking my dogs and got my finger caught in the leash when they ran.” Trying to make it sound more horrific than it was with hand gestures.

“Wow, how many dogs do you have?”  He asked like he was asking his little niece.

“Three, a pit mix, Portuguese Podengo and a chihuahua. He’s the BIGGEST asshole!” I said with confidence that he’d laugh.

“No swearing in PEEDs! ” He yelled at me, again, like I was 6 and just had peed my own pants.

Ha. Ha.  He said PEEds!  That’s all I’ve been doing buddy, peeing into cups.  I even have to work clean in the children’s ward?!  At least now I know to ALWAYS come to the hospital, “TV ready”, just in case…..

DOCTOR STAMOS!!

I LOVE INSURANCE!!!

Thanks for reading!

XXXO, Jessimae