It’s the Christmas time and we all know what that means…egg nog, office parties and unwanted kissing underneath a bush with teeny white balls that smell like sour milk. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a big mush for the holidays. I love the lights, the music, even the slipper socks I seem to get every single year,( thanks Grandma!). I love it ALL! Except for one thing, the mistletoe. This is the one tradition that I think should be reconsidered, or at the very least, banned from office and house parties unless you’ve invited John Stamos and/or Dylan McDermott. Then I’ll swing upside down and naked from that little ball like I was the newest member of Cirque Du Soliel. It’s just a dumb tradition that people use to make you feel obligated to participate in. You become forced to smooch a douchebag in front of the whole room. Well I’ve concocted 5 reasons NOT to hang the mistletoe this year, that maybe you can use as an excuse to get out of unwanted kisses.
HERPES AND HALITOSIS
IT’S REAL PEOPLE! You won’t see them coming. It lurks just beyond the lips like a thief in the night waiting to smack you in the nose, or on the (corner) of your lip! It’s a dark monster that waits patiently in the shadows of your enemy’s mouth, anticipating to land right on olfactory glands. How can you run from something you can’t detect with the naked eye or nose? You go in for the kiss thinking it’s all good, next thing you know you got punched in the face with Larry’s crab cake sandwich leftover from lunch and 2 months later a shiny new red-colored friend on your upper lip. Which could really ruin your Valentine’s date. “Hey honey, I was wondering if you maybe wanted to move in with…wait, well it looks like something has already moved into the corner of your mouth! …WAITER, CHECK!” So think thrice about swapping spit with the unknown this season, or you may get more than you expected, literally! How do you avoid this mishap without having to wear your retainer out as a defense mechanism? You’re best bet is act like there’s a fire and STOP, DROP and ROLL your ass away from the danger zone!
Just my luck! I have loved Greek men for as long as I could say “Have Mercy!”. In ancient Greece, the mistletoe was a symbol for fertility! FERTILITY! Um, NO! I don’t have any business standing near, around or under anything that will send magical baby making juices into my body. Especially when I live in a house full of Greeks! OXI, MALAKA! (google it) I am in no way, shape or form ready for a baby. I am not financially responsible enough to have a child, I put Qdoba burritos on credit card! My mother wants me to have kids, “honey, it’s a life that grows inside of you, it’s a MIRACLE!” That doesn’t sound like a miracle, that sounds like an alien invasion!! I’m a dog person. I’d much rather give birth to a litter of Chihuahuas than twins. Does that make me a sick person? Maybe so, but the point is, NO THANK YOU GREECE! That’s enough for me to want to take a bunch of these fertility bushes and have a ceremonial burning of them. So, if my man even tries to get me anywhere near a mistletoe, I’m just going to hit him in the face with a dirty diaper.
THEY EXIST! This isn’t like big foot, except I’m sure there are some heinous things somebody has caught the skanks doing on camera! Don’t act like you really like Chandra! She always comes into work with her low-cut shirts and high cut skirts bending over slowly just to pick up lint off of the rug. She prances around the guys like a mosquito around an open wound. She wears 4 inch heels, 4 pounds of make-up and smells like used lingerie from Frederick’s Of Hollywood. It’s really uncomfortable because you work at Petco. If you’re planning on bringing your boyfriend to the office party, be on watch! Chandra is the type of chick that would blow your man while you go to the bathroom because she’s insecure and needs a penis to fill the void. Don’t blame her, her dad left when she was 9, so she resorts to typical skank-havoir (skank behavior) to compensate for her emotional oblivion. What should you do if you see her trying to lure your man under the mistlehoe? I mean mistletoe! Beat her to the punch! Right when she comes in, befriend her at the party. Then set her up with Trevor, those two will be a match made in doucheaven (douche heaven, stay with me folks!) In no time, he’ll have his mistletoe hanging in front of his little ‘jingle balls’ and her edible undies will be around his neck, like some sort of whoreath (whore wreath, Ha! That one was my favorite!).
We all know that men love to have their balls kissed. I get it! If I had those cute little things, I would probably want to decorate and have everyone fondle them too! But throw in a little mistletoe hooked on a dude’s belt loop and now you HAVE to kiss his man-bits because it’s “tradition”?! You gotta watch out for these “smooth operators”. These types of guys who when you go to shake their hand they give you a “pound” and then make it “explode”. O. M. G. I canNOT with these guys. Bankers, financial investors, Wall Streeters. They wear dress shirts underneath their Izod fleece vests, sporting their Tufts class ring and a cell phone hooked on their belt. That’s like the Date Rape Starter Kit. All of these guys are the types to go to a holiday party and deem it perfectly acceptable to hang the mistletoe from their Men’s Warehouse belt buckle and tap you on the shoulder gesturing to their groins with the same expression of a 5-year-old had on Christmas morning. How creative and ambitious of you, Trevor! Unfortunately for you, ‘mama didn’t raise no fool’. Unless you are, again, John Stamos, Dylan McDermott or Jon Hamm, no way, not me, sucka!! What do you do if Trevor comes along with his guns blazing pointing to his crotch-rocket? Fart into your hand and shove it right into his nose and yell, CUP OF CHEESE!!!
THE CREEPY COUSIN
Well ALL have one, I have about 40 of them, on my father’s side (damn Sicilians!). They come in from out-of-town for the holidays and act like you should be happy to see them. The creepy cousin is a rare breed of animal that is hard to train, I don’t even think Cesar Milan can teach mine to “heel”! They tend to hover over the shrimp cocktail telling stories of their new 19-year-old Guatemalan girlfriend they met while working at the supermarket. He may even ask if he can ‘crash on your couch’ for the weekend so you guys can hit up the local OTB together and steal your weed out of your sock drawer. He’ll usually smell like old spice, or Jansport, whatever cologne happened to be on sale at Rite Aid that week. Sometimes, he’ll linger around you, kind of like a dog does after you’ve give him a treat. He’s waiting for you to get under the mistletoe so he can sneak an illegal (in most states) kiss right on your related lips. This is one situation you do not want to fall a victim to. I will call Chris Hansen myself and tell him to get the cookies and sweet tea ready because we’ve got an inbreeder situation on our hands! The best way to avoid the creepy cousin kiss is to slip a roofie into his Bailey’s, then go eat at the children’s table to wait it out. Like a responsible date-rapist.
A clip from one of THE greatest holiday movies of all time, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation!
So there you have it, my Top 5 Reasons NOT To Hang Mistletoe this year! I hope I helped you avoid some catastrophes or, at the very least, made you laugh on your lunch break. Do not attempt these at home, or if you do, don’t say you got it from me! I don’t have insurance or a lawyer. If you get into trouble I will only be able to give you the number of my therapist, she’ll be expecting your call! I love you. Happy Holidays! Merry Christmas! Happy Kwanza! Happy Chanukah! Feliz Navidad! Hail Hitler! wait… no.
HAVE YOURSELF A MISTLETOE’LESS CHRISTMAS!