To Kegel, Or Not To Kegel?

Read this if you want a stronger pussy.

To Kegel, Or Not To Kegel?

As a woman, we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to stay youthful.  We stress out about wrinkles, grey hair, and now we need to worry about sloppy puss?! Say no more- kegels to the rescue!!! A kegel involves contracting a muscle, the “pelvic floor”,  that you use to hold when you have to pee.  So basically its like a coochie-crunch! (Although men also contain this muscle, which opens up a whole other door of opportunities!)   And excuse me, um, pelvic FLOOR?? The last time I worked this hard on a floor, it was college and I was on my back doing “extra credit” for my gym teacher.  We’ve all heard about kegels from our friends but do any of us REALLY do them? And if we don’t will our vaginal space become wide open like a two-car garage?!  Even my spell check doesn’t acknowledge the existence of a kegel!  Supposedly, if you do these exercises regularly, you will have a Macy’s Day Parade of an orgasm! Well that alone gave me enough reason to ask the question, To Kegel, or Not To Kegel?

I asked myself, where did kegels come from and who kept doing them enough to realize the benefits? Then I found this guy…

Arnold Kegel.                          Show a little enthusiasm, Arnie! You’re a muff-mechanic for Christ’s sake!

…if he doesn’t look ready to dive shoulder-deep into a vagina cavity then I don’t know who does?!  Lighten up Arnie!! You think he could crack a smile?  Arnold Kegel was a gynecologist from the late 1800’s who invented a tool that measure the strength of the pelvic contractions we now refer to as, you guessed it, keels!  So he’s named after an exercise that’s known for enhancing orgasms oh, to leave such a sweet legacy!  When I die, I’ll be known as “the girl who said ‘cup of cheese’ in that fart video on Youtube”.  Tomato, Tomahto.  These exercises were initially recommended for treatment of urinary incontinence, in layman’s terms: pissing your pants!  I know A LOT of drunk sorority girls (a.k.a. my sisters) that could benefit from that information!  Kegels were also performed to aid in “genital relaxation”?!! What are you doing in your life that your genitals to relax?  Maybe you should quit sluttin’ it up on weekends in the Jersey Shore and give your lady biscuit a rest?!  You could just do what I do to make your genitals relax, light a candle, put on some reggae music and stick a joint right where the sun don’t shine.  Your snatch-hatch will be whistling’ along to Marley in no time!

Fact: if every woman reading this article did a kegel at the same time we could knock the Earth right off its axis. Ok that’s not true, but I would imagine if we could get a roomful of women to do kegels simultaneously we could change the air pressure in there at the very least!  How much fun would it to be able to work out your twat-cave AND be looking right into your boyfriend’s mother’s eyes when she’s asking you when you two are getting married?! SO totally worth learning how to do a kegel, right?!  I want to have a kegel-off competition with Chyna Doll, she looks like her vag-bag could crush a cantaloupe!  From now on, when I go to the gym, I’m not even going to use the equipment.  I’m going to go kegel-size in front of a mirror.  I’ll do that until smoke starts coming out of my vagina.  Then I’ll write “FUCK YOU” in the foggy mirror and leave!  Take that New York Sports Club!

In this generation it’s only a matter of time until someone creates a device that you can stick in your cat-box to help you do your daily kegels!!  Enter Intinima! A company that specializes in the health and wellness of the lady-biscuit!!  Where have you been all my life?!  Are these people serious?? These are pelvic floor exercise balls you keep in your puss-pouch throughout the entire day?!  It’s a puss not a purse! I’m expected to put a weighted silicone ball in my vag-bag to keep it in shape?? The only things I keep in there are tampons and my car keys, like a lady!  This is amazing!  I want to know who has purchased these balls and shoved them into her clam-hole while she was in board meetings all day because that’s not a woman I’d want to fuck with! Any woman who is THAT determined to keep her lady biscuit in shape deserves an award!  I can just imagine this woman, she’s a defense attorney in a serious criminal trial and just as she hears the verdict, she’s pounding out twat reps like an olympic crotch-squatter!  Someone hand me a tequila, I’m exhausted!

Well Intinima is doing the Lord’s work in my opinion by furthering science to benefit the wellness of our little kitten-mittens!! Anyone who’s willing to put time and effort into improving the crotchel elasticity and strength has my vote.  I already am worried about crow’s-feet, floppy tits and saggy knees.  Thanks to Intinima I won’t have to worry about my sushi-cooch turning into a walrus-patty so soon!  Ladies wether you want to admit it or not,  its our duty to keep everything tight and right as long as we can.   Because our men will ALWAYS look at other girls.  But you can make sure to not be the one that has the sloppy puss, and instead be crushing watermelons like Gallagher!  Look ma, no hands!!!

Here’s a video to help you learn and understand kegels.  It’s in Spanish and it’s delightful!  

Why do these women look so depressed? Oh, because they’re doing a kegel video… in Guadalajara…for FREE!

So ladies the moral of the story is….

DROP DOWN AND GET YOUR KEGEL ON!!!

xxxo,

Jessimae “squeezie” Peluso

About Jessimae Peluso

With roots in Syracuse, Jessimae Peluso sought comedic pastures first in Boston where she performed improv with “The Tribe,” laying the sod for what would become a burgeoning spontaneous brand of original comedy. Since then, Jessimae has leapt onto the small screen as a cast member for two seasons on MTV’s “Girl Code”, with appearances on TBS’ “Deal With It”, NBC’s “Last Call With Carson Daly Spotlight”, Comedy Central’s “@Midnight”, E!’s “Chelsea Lately”, Fox’s “Worlds Funniest Fails”, AXS’ “Gotham Live”, “The Tyra Banks Show”, Tru TV’s “All Worked Up” & “Comedy Knockout”, and an international Nintendo ad campaign. She can also be seen touring the country on her 2016 #JessAmericaTour, formerly known as the “#MessAmericaTour” but the Miss America Corporation said she had to change the name or they would be really pissed. She obliged as she didn’t want to ruin her chances at becoming the next Miss America! She’s patiently awaiting to be crowned. She was featured in the New York Comedy Festival, Boston Comedy Festival, North Carolina Comedy & Arts Festival, Women in Comedy Festival, and JFL 2016 Festival and featured on Kevin Hart’s LOL Live network. She has contributed to Cosmopolitan Magazine, Self Magazine, GQ.Com, Playboy.com, MadeMen.com, and was highlighted in the Huffington Post as one of the funniest comics to follow on twitter. She enjoys medical marjiuana, all things Stamos, and her three rescue dogs: Carlin, Bunny and Chaplin. Listen to her on the Sharp Tongue podcast airing every Tuesday on iTunes, Stitcher, Soundcloud, and iTunes.
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3 Responses to To Kegel, Or Not To Kegel?

  1. Molly says:

    Love it! There’s also a new report out that shows kegels can reduce symptoms of incontinence or eliminate incontinence more than pharma. http://womenshealthfoundation.org/blog/?p=3485

  2. Cathie says:

    Okay. Kegel exercises. Kinda gross you squeeze your innards for what reason? It is retarded. Wow my insides are acting weird. No. Stop it immediately. There’s not one acceptable reason to do that.

  3. Linda says:

    Don’t make me laugh, I might tinkle!

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