One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, Amor!!
I haven’t had a HARD drink in a LONG time! Last week, I broke down and ended up drinking like a Vietnam War Veteran. I decided to put on a big girl bib and toss a few down the hatch. Those of you who know me, know that ” a few” can turn into a world record for a woman my height and weight, hence why I’ve tried to not fall off the wagon this year. Did you know the term “on the wagon” is from the 1990’s and refers to a water wagon?! PUSSIES! What’s water got to do with being drunk? Then again maybe the water back then was so busted it DID get you drunk! Now I’m wishing for simpler times! YEE HAW!
I do 2 things when I get drunk:
1. I proceed to do a semi-choreographed dance.
Now this isn’t always in a place that has an actual dance floor and music to dance to. This could just be in a grocery store or in line at the post office, depending on what time and where I was drinking. Luckily for me this time I was in a dance club. I can actually dance, it’s not that horrible of a situation. When I’ve had more tequilas than Paula Poundstone in the 80’s, however, all dancing abilities cease to exist and I look like I’m in need of medical attention. Which probably couldn’t hurt.
2. I send dumb ass, non-sensical text messages.
Whenever you’re out drinking with your friends, just turn your phone off! 3am is NOT a good time to text your ex crush from the 4th grade, NO time is ever good! Why do we turn into desperate cunts when we get drunk? Just me? I consider the text message to be the post card of our time. Text messages, like post cards, are meant for short form, quick communication. I always wondered if anyone back in the days ever sent a drunk post card and what that would read?
Mama me wanted to write you to. The schickens have fallen ill. When I was fetchin’ water by the creek, Lord if I didn’t saws a cow take shit in the river! So I’s gave them chitkens the shit water anyways, cuz theys stole my peanut butter and jelly shandwish. Then I went a shook a tit in the river myselff.
Miss you, Jessimae
We all send text messages when we are drunk. It’s just what our generation does. Here’s my drunk text to my boyfriend from last week:
Me : Did you get my voicemail?
Him: Yes Ha!
Me: Ha your ass
Me: My spot went great. My mom is having fun.
( This is my drunken sarcasm coming out because I was mad he didn’t ask about either.)
Me: Hey! I had a day too!
(Now this is me acting like a child.)
Him: How you feeling?
( This is obvious passive aggression here.)
Him: Where are you? Not sick anymore?
Me: Got sick 2xs at comedy club. At a bar, come Salsa.
( who wouldn’t want to drink and salsa after vomiting twice?)
Him: You should not be drinking babe. You need my help with anything? Take care of you?
Me: I’m gonna salsa around your balls later, love you.
Luckily for me, my man accepts ALL of me, even the drunk me! Poor bastard! I no longer yearn for the sauce like I used to and now have focused more on comedy and green tea. In your early twenties you can go out and drink a bottle of Espolon Tequila, dry hump the mexican bar-bark, ride a garbage truck for 6 blocks through Bed-Stuy and still go to work the next day. I know I am still young, but when you’ve been drinking as long and as hard as I have, the wear and tear is slower to recover. I just don’t bounce back like I used to. My hangovers feel less like a pounding headache and more like I had angry, pounding scissor-sex with Bridgitte Nielson! I have been good this year. Tea has become my new drug. I am half a Geisha over here, minus the extreme white face and submissiveness disposition. But this year I wanted to turn a new leaf, a tea leaf to be exact, and drink tea every time I feel I want a tequila. If they come out with tea flavored tequila, I’M SCREWED!