Top 5 ways to put a guy into the “Friend Zone”.
First of all, some of you may not even be familiar with the ” friend zone”. It’s a place that every man tries, with all his manly might, to avoid. It’s that place between a walk in the park, and a “roll in the hay”. It’s a zone where a dick goes limp and the balls grow blue. Sometimes, as women, we are FORCED to put a guy into a friend zone because we don’t want to hurt his feelings by telling him WE just aren’t THAT interested. Being a chick myself, I can speak from experience and say, I’ve had to get creative in my attempts to put a dude into the friend’s zone. Men, by nature, like a challenge so a girl needs to dig into her bag of tricks to try to make a guy just want to be your friend and not get a ticket to your ‘vagina monologue’. Here’s a few of my tricks for getting a guy to realize he’s only going to be playing with his X-Box not yours.
1. Try to hook him up with one of your friends
Guys will try to act interested in a girl’s hobbies to show he likes her. “Oh wow, you knit? That’s so cool!” Meanwhile he’s thinking about you “knitting” his balls! If you’re not into him, make him be into your friend. Bring her into to every conversation, show him her Facebook pics (only the slutty ones of her from last friday night with the left nipple showing), send him a tit-pic from your friend’s phone. You could even bring her on your date with him. Have him toss popcorn into her shirt while you flirt with the hot bartender to get some free drinks. Then leave him and your friend to dry hump, nobody likes a third-wheel!
2. Give him a firm handshake.
Body language is the first sign of attraction. Usually if a girl likes a guy, she smiles a lot and twirls her hair with her fingers. When a guy sees that, if he’s smart, he’ll go in for the kill. So if you want a guy to not think he can catch ahold of your beaver, you shouldn’t act like a floozie. A guy will usually try to kiss a girl when they are about to part ways, so you should use this time wisely. Instead of a hug, which CAN be platonic but the twig ‘n’ berries gets a little too close to the rabbit hole which CAN cause confusion. I would put out your hand. Nothing is more formal than a handshake, besides an Asian bow. Stick your hand out like the CEO of Goldman&Sachs and say, ” thank you for the splendid lunch, I look forward to emailing you.” Then turn and walk away. He’ll have to go home and “shake” out the friendship on his own time.
3. Act like a hot mess on the first date
Men know women are emotional creatures, but I’d bet my first-born they wouldn’t want to see that shit unfold on a first date. Just let it all out! Don’t hold anything back! Make him think you can’t handle life! When he tells you what college he went to, start sobbing and tell him you couldn’t afford college so you had to be home schooled by your alcoholic grandma. When he asks you what you did today, tell him you were chased down by a pack of lower east side Puerto Rican kids that forced you to eat trash from the streets. When he orders a coke, tell him you can’t even be near a coke because you did too much when you were 13. He’ll think you are the most unstable woman and not want to risk getting involved. That is, unless, his mother is hot mess as well then this whole thing could backfire! You may end up having a stage 5 clinger on your hands, but I highly doubt that. This actually could end up being a very cathartic and therapeutic outlet for a woman, and you end up getting a free meal, in this economy who can say no to that?!
4. Come straight from the gym.
Sweat can be sexy, but not if you smell like feet and puss stank. Make sure to work out hard-core to work up a nice post-gym aroma. When he says something funny yell, FUCK YEA! and high-five him. Grab a chair and sit in it backwards, there’s nothing sexy about a woman with puss sweat sitting like a football coach about to give a pre-game pep talk. Make sure you call him “dude” and “bro” and order jager shots. The less lady-like, the more he’ll reconsider his attraction. But there is a small percentage of guys who like a tough girl, so when in doubt, spit in the street and scratch your crotch. I don’t know many dudes that would want to kiss a girl after she hocks a loogie in the street like Babe Ruth.
5. Fart him into the “friend’s zone”
Farts are, in no way, sexy. While there are a few guys who don’t mind when their girl farts, the majority loathe it. There’s nothing sexier than a girl in a dress, but if you add a fart, you’ve ruined the whole package. Guys fart with other guys, it’s like the human male bonding technique. They wrestle, watch sports and fart on each other. Women are supposed to be fragile and dainty. There’s nothing dainty about a pretty girl ripping a turd cloud like it’s 4th of July in her shorts. The louder the better and being a vegetarian is a plus. You can really get some dragon farts off with a leafy diet. So try it out, let it rip and if he STILL wants to date you….MARRY HIS ASS!!!
There you have it! A few clinically tested ways to make a guy just want to be your friend. Now while I say these tactics work, I can’t promise there aren’t men out there that can overcome certain obstacles to obtain his goal. Sometimes persistence pays off and us women tend to cave in. Men have their own ways of seducing a woman. These are just ways of reversing that spell. So fear not ladies, there is hope. You don’t have to be a complete asshole when you turn a guy down. You just may need to smell like one!
Jessimae “Toots” Peluso (one of my father’s nick names for me is “Toots”)